Why Heartbreak Actually Hurts: The Neuroscience Behind Heartbreak
The depth of heartbreak– and how movies get it wrong.
High School musical 2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Fault in Our Stars, All the Bright Places, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, The Edge of Seventeen, name your pick. Teenage heartbreak is seen in countless coming-of-age high school movies, yet many don’t accurately show just how it feels, especially for teenagers.
What parents tend to forget is that heartbreak and breakups are a lot different than they were back in the 80’s. Nowadays, there could be shared classes, a shared friendgroup, a shared sports team, or even just social media “where the reminder of an ex is just a click away” (Todd-Maldonado). Heartbreak and breakups are hard, but it's a lot more than just an emotional feeling.
Why do I feel physical pain, shouldn’t it just be in my head?
Now, let’s get into the ACTUAL science behind it. Something that isn’t heavily talked about is the physical pain you feel after feeling betrayed or heartbroken. And it's not a myth! The feeling of loss, particularly relating to emotional connections, activates your brain’s pain sensors, leading to the intense feeling.
If you ask someone who is fresh out of a relationship how they feel, they may say that the feeling of heartbreak feels physical. It's a pain in your core, it hurts to breathe, and sleep feels impossible. However, this “phenomenon” (air quotes) is studied and is normal! Studies with brain-imaging have shown that feelings of rejection and social loss activate the same systems that process physical pain, meaning that your brain is processing heartbreak as a physical pain.
This study was done at Columbia University, and showed that when individuals look at photos of ex-partners who had rejected them recently, the brain regions (anterior cingulate cortex and insula) light up as when they experienced physical pain. The reactions to the photos of ex-partners were compared to the reactions of photos of friends, and the results showed that the brain regions “experiencing pain” only lit up when participants were shown the photos of their painful history. This study was done by cognitive neuroscientists led by Dr. Edward Smith and is an incredibly fascinating study to read.
Similarly, love triggers the ventral tegmental area, which is part of the brain’s reward system, and dopamine floods the brain as a result. When you experience a loss of love, your brain experiences withdrawal, "craving the dopamine rush that person used to bring you.” (Fisher et al., 2006) This profound stress activates the somatosensory cortices responsible for signalling, intensity, and location of hurt.
Your serotonin levels drop during heartbreak, and this causes a lack of impulse control and mood swings. Good news is that this disruption and drop is only temporary. Once your serotonin levels regulate and balance (of course with time and acceptance internally), there are now “mornings where you feel like yourself again, can think more clearly, and experience moments of peace within your emotions.”(Neuroscience)
“It’s not you, it's me”, and still trauma can latch on to the one hearing those infamous lines. The withdrawal of dopamine and serotonin is what can lead to restlessness, lack of sleep, loss of appetite, low motivation, and a desire to get a “fix”. These feelings are not all in your head, but instead your nervous system racing to an emotional overload, trying to understand the issue, and sending distress signals to the rest of your body.
And to end off on a good note, many recommend eating chocolate after a breakup because it releases the same hormones as being in love! Thanks science!
You’re not alone
Truthfully, going through a breakup sucks. In my case, I felt insecure, tired, and I lost my appetite. My parents were worried, my friends were worried, jeez–I was worried! As a teenager going through a range of emotions, it's hard to feel understood. Teenagers experience emotions at an escalated amount because of their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. It feels raw, emotional, depressing, and makes you feel incredibly worthless. But, while these feelings feel intense and never-ending, they won’t last forever.
A few months ago, writing this felt unimaginable. But what high school movies tend to forget is that you have a support team around you, and the feelings do subside. Breakups are common, and when one door closes, another opens. Through these feelings, you meet the people who have your back and will be with you through the hard times. Your parents are always there, and while their advice sometimes may be a little dated, you know that they can have your back unconditionally. Coming from one teenager to another, I’ve personally met my best friends and my lovely boyfriend while healing, and I’ve never felt more confident or loved. The grass IS greener on the other side!
Seeing my parents' relationship has always shown me what love should be, and given me a standard to compare all other relationships to– both friendships and romantic relationships. And yet, there's a difference when you get to learn it for yourself. You learn to prioritize your feelings instead of putting others' needs above your own, you learn how you deserve to be treated, and that you truly aren't alone. While it was hard to admit at first, it taught me a lot about love, about others, and about myself.
The best advice I can give, and science can give, is let yourself grieve. The truth is, it wasn’t the relationship I mourned, it was the feeling that I lost the person I believed I was before the relationship and the unfortunate lesson about broken trust that brought the pain. Relationships are vulnerable, but that makes it even more beautiful. When scrolling on Pinterest in my lowest, rotting in bed, I would look for a quote that would somehow speak to me, and one phrase kept coming up again and again: “Everything I lose creates space for everything I need.” Along with that, my dad’s quote that I would recite when things got heavy: “The universe works in equilibrium.” Every negative thing that I experience will bring an equally positive thing– always in balance.
To heal a heartbroken brain, you need to acknowledge the pain, move your body, speak to others, limit things that cause reminders, and allow yourself to feel the emotions. It is crucial to remember that these painful feelings will go away, and that there is always someone there who cares.
If you or someone you know shows signs of depression, anxiety, or mood shifts after a breakup, remind them that you’re there for them and help is always (a few) clicks away. The national suicide and crisis number is 988.
Sources:
Collins, Erin. “Why Heartbreak Feels Physical: The Chemistry of a Broken Heart.” Inspire The Mind, 6AD, www.inspirethemind.org/post/why-heartbreak-feels-physical-the-chemistry-of-a-broken-heart.
“Feeling ‘Heartbreak’ Can Feel like a Physical Injury.” Health For Life Counseling, 19 Sept. 2025, healthforlifegr.com/feeling-heartbreak/.
Fisher, Helen E, et al. “Romantic Love: A Mammalian Brain System for Mate Choice | Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B | the Royal Society.” The Royal Society Publishing, 2006, royalsocietypublishing.org/rstb/article-abstract/361/1476/2173/20859/Romantic-love-a-mammalian-brain-system-for-mate?redirectedFrom=fulltext.
Greenberg, Melanie. “This Is Your Brain on a Breakup | Psychology Today.” Psychology Today, 29 Mar. 2016, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201603/this-is-your-brain-on-a-breakup.
“Neuroscience of Heartbreak: Why It Feels like Physical Pain | Blog | Talktoangel.” Talk To Angel, 2025, www.talktoangel.com/blog/neuroscience-of-heartbreak-why-it-feels-like-physical-pain.
Schlozman, Steven. “The Trauma Felt in Teen Breakups - Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds.” The Clay Center For Young Healthy Minds, www.mghclaycenter.org/parenting-concerns/the-trauma-of-teenage-breakups/.
Todd-Maldonado, Theodora. “Why Teen Heartbreak Hurts More than One May Think – The Cougar Press.” The Cougar Press, 30 Sept. 2025, thecougarpress.org/21270/artsandculture/why-teen-heartbreak-hurts-more-than-one-may-think/.
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